On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
