I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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