I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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