i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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