dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
