the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
