mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
