I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You need a sexual gate keeper
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
