I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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