just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
