I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
