I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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