I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
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