he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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