We're facebook friends in real life
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
