The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
