Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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