I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
