open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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