Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
