so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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