Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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