apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
