Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
