there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
