If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
