so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
