so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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