So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
