she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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