My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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