seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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