I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
