I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just want to make out with him forever
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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