My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We have started to decorate penises.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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