I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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