Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
