How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
