Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
