Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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