so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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