We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
