My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
