I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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