I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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