You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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