its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
