my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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