She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
