Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
