I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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