Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
