He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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