whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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