I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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