how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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