Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
