News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
