I wish I could punch you in the face.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
