maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
