saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
