Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize