What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
