I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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