I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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