barbara walters just said penis...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize