Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
