i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
